Men and Women, have not much in common between them. If you see all the other species, you do not see such oblivious difference in the male and female as you see among the humans. Even with the differences they still manage to fall in love, get into a relationship and live together as part of single soul in two physical bodies. This is the most amazing emotional thing that no one can explain.
Relationships between a man and woman are complicated, moreover it is not easy for them always to be in love and be there for each other when needed. Every relationship passes through different phases as time moves on. Basically there are two phases in a relationship between a man and a woman.
1) Falling in love
2) Falling out of love
Falling in love is where the other person is looked upon as a perfect partner. There is lot of illusions and fantasies involved in this phase. The negative characteristics in the partner are minimized whereas the positive qualities are exaggerated to the high levels. The person falling in love does not think clearly and cannot have a clear image of things. Fortunately or unfortunately this does not last for long. The feeling is exactly like that of a person doing bungee jumping. When S/he is falling, they have no idea what is happening, things are not clear but they sure know they are not going to die. Excitement, exhilaration, passion and many more emotional syrups rule the mind then. But then you don’t keep falling for ever. A time comes when the fall stops and things become clear. People learn that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there better be something else to take its place if the relationship has to continue.
I myself would say that falling in love is ignoring person’s imperfections and falling out of love means evaluating the partner rationally. This is when the people begin to notice how much time the partner spends in bathroom, eats clumsily, have those pimples erupting now and then or just does not say what you want them to say. The blurriness is gone and images are quite clear now. If this happens suddenly due to some triggering event, the outcome can be nasty and loud. When you fall out of love the illusions and fantasies disappear. You see the positive and negative points in the person. If expectations were very high then it is going to be difficult to come terms with reality. The sooner you fall out of love the better it is.
Contributing to other persons happiness is what makes a relationship last. It is like two people pour water into a vessel when they can so that when they need water they can take it from the vessel. If both the partners are enthusiastically filling the pot then it remains full and they both can enjoy the water. But if both are expecting the other to contribute more or as much as he or she does then the vessel will go empty at some point in the relationship.
The love between man and woman can be best described when you think of a mother loving her child. Mothers love is exactly opposite to that of a man-woman love. Mothers love is all giving and all sacrificing, whereas the same cannot be said in a man-woman relationship. The man-woman relationship if well understood can be the most intimate and enjoyable one. In a mother child relationship one individual become two different individuals. A mother feels that a child is a part of her own self. In a man woman relationship two different individuals (who have lived separately till then) are striving to become one, towards permanence and a longing for a love that does not end. Here importance should be given to enriching and expanding the physical relationship shared between two people. Strive to effectively open up the inner-self with all its vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Keep ability to laugh at blunders. When either partner thinks there is nothing more to be learned about the other better half, then the commitment to growth in a relationship is in trouble.
When a person feels frightened, lonely, worthless or afraid he/she shouldn’t hesitate to reach for their soul mate. Such occasions of vulnerability are critically important, because they are times when a partner has immense power over his or her mate which they express by being a lot affectionate and loving towards their partners. It helps both the partners in a great way.
In a relationship physical demarcation is easily accepted where as emotional demarcation is not that easily accepted.
As often understood the opposite of love is not hate…………..it is indifference.
When couples are arguing and fighting there is still hope of them getting reconciled. It is when they become indifferent to each other that the relationship reaches the worst point.
Two different individuals very rarely emote in a same way. Often we tend to confuse love. When a person says I can’t live without you; it rather shows dependency, but we conclude it is love. Possessiveness is also often confused for love. Jealousy is also taken to be love in initial phases of a relationship. These feelings, which look rosy in the beginning, start to irritate a person in later stages of their relationships and could lead to a break up.
Marriage is often taken for granted until it starts hurting. And then it becomes more of a competition in accusations rather than an exercise of improvement. Some of the typical relationships we see among married couples are
Cyclical relationships: In these relationships the couples are on a roller coaster ride. They have occasions of flaring sharp conflicts which will be followed by making up periods followed by quiet and serenity.
At Logger Heads Relationship: This is a forever in conflict relationship in which the predominant factor is the building tension among the couple. It is often marked by constant nagging, fighting, bickering, and one upmanship. The past will never be a history as it is often pulled into the present and thrown at each other. Initially this happens in the bedroom, and then slips into the living room and eventually in the parties, public places and family gatherings.
Passive Couples: This is a relationship which is almost empty for both the partners. This is often seen among the couple who marry for wrong reasons like giving in to parental pressure. Though the man and woman live under the same roof, have sex and bring up children; there is no evidence of deep affection or passion in their relationship. Their interests are centered on the marriage as it is invested in some other aspect of their lives. They attend functions together, pose for pictures as couples and do everything society requires of them passively.
Sizzled Off Relationship: The couple start off as though they cannot keep their hands off each other, until the heat sizzles off. This is known as the devitalized relation where satisfaction, passion, loves and vitality keeps declining with years. The couple slowly keeps drifting away from each other.
In Love Forever: The couple in vital relationships is bound both physically and psychologically in mutual sharing of love and emotions. They have mutual understanding of each other’s needs, personal space and requirements. They feel safe, happy and comfortable in their companionship with their partner; the feeling that just deepens with passing of years.
Soul Mate: The total relationship between the man and woman is experienced only by few. This relationship is mostly based on the instincts of the couples, where it appears as though they know the other partners need without any clue being given to them. They are like one soul in two bodies, who keep empowering the other person and help them to grow and reach their full potential.
It is important to understand that there are many dimensions unique to the relationship called matrimony. Assess yourself as to how strong you are in each of the dimensions, build up where you are weak, be aware and take pride in those where you are strong.
Dimensions of Intimacy in Marriage
1) Sex………………….… actual sex and non-actual intimacy.
2) Emotional………….…..being tuned to each other’s wave length.
3) Intellectual…………….closeness in the world of ideas
4) Aesthetic……………….sharing experiences of beauty
5) Creative…………….….sharing in acts of creating together
6) Recreational……….…..relating in experiences of fun/play
7) Work……………….….closeness of sharing common tasks (home/off)
8) Crisis………………/….closeness in coping with problems and pain
9) Conflict………………..facing and struggling with differences
10) Commitment …………dedication to common goals
11) Spiritual………………sharing ultimate concern in ethics
12) Maturity………………taking responsibility, toleration
13) Communication………the vital source of true intimacy. Many shortcomings in the above can be overcome if communication is good. Any form of communication (including arguments, fights). The weakest marriage is one where there is no communication.
Tips to improve your marriage
Try out the following action plans…………………..
1) Look into each other’s eyes for at least a full minute and, without words, try to read what the other is feeling
2) Let one person say the other’s name repeatedly, changing the tone and intensity, until that person senses that it “feels good”.
3) Practice listening and understanding by explaining the other person’s problem (switch roles).
4) Attempt to get messages through to each other with the use of touch, facial expressions, body movements, eye contact and gestures.
5) Try arguing at a distance with your backs to each other, and then do the same face to face holding hands.
6) Do not meddle in each other’s affairs
7) Learn to love rather than to just wanting to be loved.
Never trust a relationship that demands the best part of you should remain untouched and untapped. Love should allow you to grow and reach your full potential.
Is it love when a person
Does not tolerate you enjoying a good book?
Does not sit and watch a movie you love?
Does not appreciate other people praising you?
Is very jealous when you seem to achieve more than he or she does?
Doesn’t appreciate the fact that you are a good mom/dad but views it as a competition to his/her love?
Doesn’t like it when you spend some good time with your friends?
Doesn’t clap with the world when you achieve something?
The list would go on growing. People usually easily explain possessiveness as a part of love, but they sure are totally different entities and also many times the people accept these confusions as true love.
In possessiveness a person will always want to be in control of the relationship and demands that his/her emotional needs be satisfied by the partner at times by sacrificing they own well being for the sake of it. On the other hand love is a state where giving satisfies both the partners and there is no feeling of guilt, sacrifice etc involved.
How often have we confused possessiveness, obsession, passion, lust, jealousy, dependency etc for love?
The relationship between two people should be based more on companionship rather than love because it is so difficult to even understand love.